End of 2025 Reflection

"It's not over. It's just beginning! [...] As long as you remember all the terrific things you did the past year honey, you didn't miss a thing. That's what New Years Eve is really about!"

 - Grandma Thora, "Arthur's New Year's Eve"

DISCLAIMER: This might not be the most developed, sorted, or even coherent, but I will promise it'll be written from an honest perspective. It's more or less going to be a more filtered diary-entry. Yes, I have a diary. I'll talk about that later.

Welp. 2025 has at last come to a close. It seems this year has gone by so fast and so slow at the same time.

I'm not gonna sugarcoat it. 2025 was one of the most turbulent, angsty years of my life...mostly in the latter half. It could be somewhere between 2022 (the year I found out what it means to be an asshole) and 2024 (the year I finally started high school). Why exactly? Well...y'know...actually, you don't know. Lemme just dump as much as I can.

[UNSORTED ANGSTY TEEN OPINIONS]

As always, it was a year of self-discovery and self-growth, but I also felt this year felt...bloated. Like, a lot more convoluted then last year, or the year before. And it makes sense, given that I'm expanding what I'm doing and I'm in 10th grade now. Next year, in fact, I'll be in 11th grade, closer to graduating.

Speaking of which, high school has been truly feeling like high school now. 9th grade was pretty average, but now, I'm struggling a lot more with the workload, which is disorienting my mind. I've participated in more clubs, which I guess is cool. Math is my best subject, but I hate factoring. Science is my favorite subject, but stoichiometry can suck a HORSE CO-

I also read possibly my favorite book in English, being Speak by Laurie Halse Anderson. It really resonated with me and I might make a future post discussing why I loved it. Speaking of speaking, I felt this sophomore year I was a bit more vocal and confident than usual. I was able to get out of my shell more, but I'm still staying in it for a while.

The same applies for my online life; as you know, I did Art Fight this year, and I loved it. I met new friends, and in imitated some of my art style evolution and influenced me to share more of my art online. I feel my art style got so much better this year, and I'm glad I'm being recognized for it. Of course though, sometimes what I draw does drive me insane. (P.S. My mom gave me a sketchbook this year. Thank you.)

If I'm being honest, I don't actually know at all what I'm going to be doing with my life. I think this year was when it really started to dawn on me how close I am to adulthood. I'm considering college, but I don't know if I'm ready for it. I kind of wish I was.

In fact, I'm not ready for a lot of things. If there's something I learned this year, it's that the hardest step is always the first one. I remember during my 9th grade year, my main goal was to "take the initiative", and I was able to take some small steps. I even made a new friend this year. I'm planning on hopefully applying that even more this sophomore year, even though I'm admittedly drained.

I got humbled a LOT this year by the way. Mainly online. Sometimes I feel bad for the fact everyone has to deal with me, for as much as I complain to myself about dealing withing everything.

If I'm being honest (again), I don't have the best self-esteem. I have trouble feeling proud or accepting people liking me because the one person I can't trust is myself. I feel like more people dislike me than I feel there are...when in reality, there's probably less people that dislike me more than I feel there are.

...right?

There are people who accept me, but I don't know how to accept myself, if I'm perfectly honest. I always wish to change, but I just feel bounded and dejected whenever I inevitably mess up. I want to learn. I want to be more open with others. I don't know how I can do that. 

It's like I have this weird preoccupation with searching for what I don't like about myself, and what I don't like about my life. I don't like that mindset. I wish I could be more grateful, more accepting, more- no, less blunt. I remember my English teacher has called me "brutally honest", which I'm only half-proud of. I want to be truthful, but I don't like to be shamed, or to hurt others. And that's happened multiple times this year. Maybe instead of being "brutally honest", I should aim to be..."gently honest".

Is that possible?

I'm not into resolutions. But I will outline that next year, I hope to be a lot more willful and lock in with what I want to do. I can't do everything, after all. I have to take it step by step. I also want to be more open and outdoor, as it could help clear my busy mind.

WAIT!

Before we close off for real...I wonder, what did 14 year old me have to say to me? I made this letter to myself about a year ago on a YT short.

[ahem]

"Dear A.A.

I don't know when you'll re-read this, if you'll re-read this, or if you'll like re-reading this, but I do have to say this. I understand that at this moment your life may not be ideal. You're struggling with your emotional stability, barely can get out of your comfort zone, and are hard on yourself. Not to mention you also have inconsistent priorities and are scared of what's happening in the world right now. It may seem like there's not much you can do. But please remember and understand that just because it's not going well right now never means it's not going to go well at all. Your at the core time of your life- an adolescent freshman who's constantly learning more about himself and others. It's easy to shame yourself because of stuff you mess up now, and I agree- it's terrifying to think about the future. We can't change the past, so that's anxiety inducing- but we can change the future, so that's also anxiety inducing. Take a moment and just think about where you are now, who you used to be, and who you CAN be.

It's so easy to get into a vicious cycle of stress and feeling alone- that you're failing everyone around you. But I promise you, there are people who care about you. You can care about yourself. You can care for others. Focus on your strengths, and keep up what you're good at. All the amazing things you can and have done reveal your true character. The person you definitely want to be. What matters most about adolescence isn't achieving greatness in the end- it's becoming a better person and developing your character. And each week, month, season, you improve yourself in small progress. Each year you try hard- and as much as you do that, you still mess up frequently. That's ok. Take what you screw up not to self-hate yourself- but a reminder your imperfect, and can still improve yourself. You will make it by the end of high school. You will make it by your 20s. You will make it during the rest of your life. Keep trying your best, and help- not only others, but yourself.

Sincerely,

A.A."

*sniff*

...thank you. (Er-...me.)

Closing Off

I know this isn't really a proper "conclusion" to this post. All of the issues I've written are still with me.

I am still lost. I am confused, maybe even an idiot at times. I can be smart, I can be proud, I can be loud and ashamed. I'm on my way to adulthood, finding who I am. I can hurt, or be hurt. I am somebody. I can be a nobody. Maybe I need help. Maybe...maybe- no, I don't know what I'm saying. I don't know if this will be forever.

But... I will always be me...so it's bittersweet. I'm glad it's that. Because in reality, for as long as I live, my story will not have an end for a while.

Hopefully, a long while.

I don't have anything clever or inspirational to really end this with. And that's ok. All I have to simply have to say is... Thank you all so much. See you next year.

- ninesevenpotatoes, 2025...for one last time